Pain
By Allie - December 13, 2013
“It's
so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it
had never shone.”
― John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent
― John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent
“The
pain will go away eventually,” the doctor assured as he placed the
latest X-Ray onto the blank white screen. Bill knew that the man was
referring to his wife's painful brain tumor, but he couldn't help
but feel like the comment was directed toward his own sadness over
the whole ordeal. It had been several months since she was diagnosed,
but the realization that she might actually die
had never been allowed into his mind. That is, until the solid mass
shoved deep inside his wife's head stared back at him from the
brightly lit screen.
Sara
squeezed her husband's hand while looking up at the doctor. “I
really hope you're right about that.” As the words left her lips,
Bill smiled reassuringly. However, she could sense that his smile was
about as objective as reality television. He had a hard time feeling
optimistic with his wife looking the way she did. Her once beautiful
porcelain skin had faded to a pale and blotchy canvas, and her
lustrous brunette hair had given way to a dome of bare skin. Even the
blue coloring of her eyes appeared to have dimmed to a dull gray.
“Well, I don't know about you two, but I am ready for bed,” she
gasped between breaths.
“Are
you sure you don't want me to stay with you tonight, Dear?”
“Oh,
thanks, but I can't subject you to an early breakfast of hospital
food,” she laughed. “Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. I'll be
right here what you get back.”
“I
know you will be.” Bill's strong and deep voice was starting to
give way to a raspy and tearful cry. “I love you,” he whispered
as he leaned in to kiss her smooth, bald head.
“I
love you too.”
The
doctor began to pull the crisp pale blue sheet around her bed,
blocking her off from the outside world. As Bill looked at the shadow
of his dying wife, a whole lifetime of memories came flooding into
his mind. He thought back to the day he met Sara, and the instant
connection that he had felt with her. Once opposed to blind dates,
Bill had never expected to meet someone like her. Sara was beautiful,
yet approachable. Her sense of humor was quick, and he felt as though
the two of them could talk for hours. Every morning Bill woke up, he
thanked the day for blessing him with the wonderful gift of love that
could never be transcended.
“Have
a good night, Mr. Miller.” Bill smiled in reply toward the nurse
behind the front counter. Same nurse, same automatic doors, same long
walk out to his car. The routine of these daily visits was blurring
together into one massive bout of autopilot. Not
much longer,
he thought as he sat down in his car. She'll
get better. The
sun was starting to set, and he caught himself staring at it until it
could no longer be seen. Then he drove off in the direction of his
sister's house, wishing instead that he could head in the direction
of the past.
- Allie
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