Dance for me children, DANCE!

        

        First, let me state that if you have a weak stomach, you should really just turn away right now. Secondly, I should warn you that this post might peak your curiosity into wanting to see this movie. DON'T. It will be the biggest mistake of your entire life. Alright, now that we have all of the disclaimers out of the way, I will continue on our journey into The Human Centipede 2.

        For those of you who have seen the first Human Centipede movie, please skip this paragraph and the next. For those of you who haven't seen the first Human Centipede movie, (I know you have all heard of it. If you say you haven't you are a big fat liar and I am forbidding you from reading any further), it's about two stereotypically dumb and sexy American girls who travel to Germany for a vacation. They attempt to go clubbing, but their car breaks down on the side of the road. Being dumb and American, they decide that going deep into the dark and deserted forest seems like the best possible solution. Long story short, a crazy doctor who used to specialize in separating conjoined twins comes up with a "100% medically accurate" plan to sew three people together (ass to mouth) and turn them into the first-ever human centipede. Well conveniently, he already has an Asian man stored away in his basement when the two American girls happened to appear on his doorstep in the pouring rain at 2AM. He drugs them, ties them up in hospital beds, and proceeds to tell them his plan. 

Makes sense

        

        The doctor then surgically conjoins the three "innocent" victims and turns them into the infamous centipede. *SPOILER ALERT* Eventually, the German police connect the dots with the missing tourists and the blood-curdling screams heard from around the area of the doctor's house, and decide they'd better have a good look. The two cops find the doctor and the centipede, but end up both getting shot. Luckily, one of them manages to kill the doctor in the process, but the poor centipede is left there all by its lonesome. The Asian man (who managed to score the front spot!) slits his throat with a piece of broken glass, and the back girl dies from a horrible infection. The credits roll before you can (sadly) find out what happens to the girl stranded in the middle.

And thus we have "The Human Centipede"

         Sounds bad, huh? Well you have NO idea. The second movie takes place in England and starts out like any other. The security guard of a parking garage is sitting in his office watching the original human centipede film. He's really getting into it, touching the screen and licking his fingers. You know, the kind of reaction anyone would have to such a movie. Suddenly, he gets distracted by a young couple arguing about the loss of keys to the car they parked in the garage. The security guard walks up to them and does what any security guard would do. He SHOOTS THEM IN THEIR FUCKING FEET. To silence their screams, he then BEATS THEM IN THEIR FUCKING HEADS with a crowbar until they become unconscious. Then, he ties them up with duct-tape and throws them into the back of his van. 

        The creepy security guard dude then drives to an old abandoned warehouse where he meets up with a realtor, but before the realtor can begin his bidding war, the security guard SHOOTS HIM IN HIS FUCKING FOOT THEN BASHES HIM ON THE HEAD. Do you sense a pattern here? The shooting of the feet and bashing of the heads continues on for about twelve or so more people. Oh, and how could I almost forget? This includes a pregnant woman. Yes, a pregnant woman. 

        

        Because the security guard psycho has such a fascination with the original human centipede film, he feels as though he absolutely needs the actresses of the first movie to be a part of his centipede. Sadly, only one of the ladies' agencies calls him back, and they agree to fly her out to England to audition for his new Tarantino film. Wait, WHAT? Did this guy really lie and say that he is involved in a Quentin Tarantino film? What a dick! Oh well, anyways, so this guy picks up one of the actresses (I totally forgot her name) and brings her back to the warehouse where all of the other victims are duct-taped up already. Naturally, he shoots her in the foot, then beats her over the head. (Could he be any more predictable?) Being the wonderful surgeon he is, the security guard proceeds to use his hammer, yes, hammer, to knock out everyone's teeth. 

 These are visuals I will never get back

Using the same kind of medically-trained precision, he then whips out a knife and slits everyone's knees and rips out their knee caps so he can access their ligaments and slice them apart. After all, who wants a mobile Human Centipede? Keep in mind, IT SHOWS ALL OF THIS. Once you think the horror could not get any worse, he takes out a pen and starts marking up individual's mouths and asses for the places of future incision. After the prepping is done, he takes back the knife and starts slicing these poor people open. 

        Sorry, I forgot to mention that before all of this ridiculous "surgery" started happening, the pregnant lady died, so he shoved her in the corner under a blanket. Ok, back to the magic. While slicing open the first guy's ass, something goes terribly wrong! The man will not stop bleeding and eventually dies. Don't feel bad for him though, he is achieving an early death, and therefore is one of the lucky ones. After slicing and dicing the rest of them, the wacky security guard then pulls out the final stage in his project: The staple gun! That's right, he STAPLE GUNS the people together. 

Good enough

        

        After performing a victory dance that would even shame New York Jets' Braylon Edwards, the good ole security guard tries to feed his new centipede pet. How very responsible of him. However, the young actress (who snagged the spot up front!) refuses to eat, so the guard becomes infuriated and shoves a funnel down her throat. Instead of filling it with food though, he fills it with laxatives. Yum! Basically, in a matter of seconds, the bowels of the centipede go from six to midnight. This kinda grosses out the security guard (the man who just preformed questionable, back-alley surgery on 12 people), so he runs over to the wall to puke his guts out. 

        Noticing that the time is right, the pregnant lady (who didn't actually die I guess) emerges from under the blanket and makes a run for the door. Along the way, the most horrifying scene in movie history takes place. The lady begins miscarrying as she runs and leaks a trail of blood and various other innards all the way to the car parked outside. She hops inside, and screams violently for a few seconds before popping out a DEAD BABY. Angry at the sight of her leaving, the security guard chases her, and almost manages to open the car door. However, before he can, the lady stomps down on the gas pedal, CRUSHING HER DEAD BABY'S SKULL IN, and drives away into the night. 

       Discouraged, our hero goes back inside to find his centipede split in two! Um, no shit douchebag! Staples can only hold someone's face to someone else's ass for so long. This really angers the security guard, so he starts shooting all of the centipede members in the head. Sadly, he runs out of bullets along the way and has to result to his knife to finish of the job via decapitation. He does this to all but the actress. After staring at her for a good few minutes, he somehow blacks out and she somehow manages to get him to the ground where she shoves the feeding funnel up his ass and drops a centipede down into it. This apparently REALLY pisses him off, because shortly after he gets it out, he turns around and stabs her in the head. The security guard stares at his dead centipede as the camera zooms out. It continues to zoom out and out until you find out that it's a picture on his computer screen. He then looks over at a young couple arguing about lost keys. THE END. 

        Wait, are you fucking kidding me? It was all in his head? IT DIDN'T ACTUALLY HAPPEN? Well, I guess I'm actually sorta glad. I mean, that was some horribly fucked up shit. So in the end, there was no dead baby being smashed by a gas pedal, nor was there a wannabe dentist office gone-wrong. It was all just in the mind of some creepy, short, fat security guard with Daddy issues. I guess the moral of the story is: never leave your house ever again, and if you do, definitely don't park in a parking garage.

  

        

Also, don't forget to comment! If you saw the movie, let me know what you thought! If you are now way too terrified to leave your bed, tell me about it! If you want me to review another movie, leave a suggestion for me!

Thanks for reading. Have a good one!

- Allie